Okay, it’s been a while since we posted something proper; I know. I’m sorry. It’s really not our fault, though. You see, I was assaulted recently. No, not sexually; not even physically… I was orally assaulted… with turkey bacon.

For those of you who have not experienced the disastrous global shame that is turkey bacon, let me explain it to you. You take a turkey, presumably alive and gobbling, and you throw it in a blender with equal parts blood of newborn babes and tears of innocent children. Then, once the turkey has shut the fuck up from being blended alive, you colour it slightly and bake it into a thin loaf. Then you slice it into deceptively bacon-shaped slices and pretend that you’re eating real bacon when – in fact – you’re allowing a crime against all that is culinary and good. 

Having such an advanced bacon palate, when it was slipped to me in a sandwich (I was clearly intoxicated or my bacon sense would have saved me) it caused me to have a breakdown. For the last several weeks I’ve been recovering at a pig farm, being fed nothing but bacon and other pork products. I’ll admit they had to start me on back bacon, but I’ve worked my way back up to shoulder, belly, and jowl bacon in recent days. I’m trying to keep up my strength. 

So, my friends, I am sorry for the temporary absence. Fear not; we have returned.

VIVE LA BACONLUTION!