Bacon and Apple Pie

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So I know that last time we talked about how I wasn’t going to make money by selling crack...
 

mmhmm...
 

But I was thinking you guys are right, the crack market has been diluted, so I’m just going to start selling my pee instead, because I can pass a drug test, and I don’t take hormonal birth control so I can sell my pee to men and women.
 

She makes a good point.
 

The market for black market pee is very lucrative.
 

The Japanese people like pee from what I understand.
 

Well, way to alienate like a whole race of people.
 

I enjoy that very much.
 

Anyhoo, so if anybody wants to buy my piss… mel@captainbacon.com
 

Or 1-800-MEL-PISS.
 

Melpee.com
 

I should see if we can register that…
 

So last night I nicknamed Mel “TootyMcGee”. For some reason she doesn’t like that very much.
 

I wonder why…
 

Anyways, on to the pie.
 

And Mel just downed a glass of wine... and orange juice.
 

Orange juice gives me the power to down anything.
 

Yes, alright, on to dessert.
 

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True lifehack, always poop at work. If you poop for 10 minutes a day at work, by the end of the day you will have gotten paid around 40 hours just to poop.
 

On the one side we have pie with a crumble-bacon topping, and on the other we have a bacon-weave topping.
 

Bacon weave topping, bite number one… uh… it’s a pie.
 

I’m going for the crumble first.
 

The apple part of the pie is really good.
 

Thanks.
 

Great job, Mel.
 

It’s made with Jack Daniels.
 

The crumble tastes better. It’s because the bacon in it isn’t overwhelming.
 

I expected so because when Allen was like “Are we going to do the bacon-weave topped one?” I thought that was a little much.
 

That was a pretty mocking tone of voice… “are we doing the bacon topping, bunh!”
 

“Look at me, I’m Adam, everything I do sucks”
 

“I’m so fat and I suck so much”
 

For the record, Adam isn’t fat, and he runs every day.
 

Yeah, he’s the least fat person at the table except for maybe Mel.
 

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All of y’all shut the fuck up in the presence of my fatness, let us continue to eat bacon.
 

I need to take a moment to appreciate the fact that Cheryl just grabbed her tits and started shaking them.
 

To be fair, it was one tit.
 

Alright, on to the bacon crumble thingy.
 

Just for the record, Adam’s pie looks like somebody sat on it because he sucks.
 

It’s true. I do.
 

Dicks. He sucks dicks.
 

Like, penises? He goes after men and says “I would like to put your penis in my mouth”?
 

Ok, back to Captain Bacon
 

Don’t do drugs.
 

I would not repeat the bacon-weave top. It’s just too much. I’m glad we tried it.
 

It is very pretty.
 

It looked prettier of the two, it looked nicer.
 

But, the crumble one is fucking delicious.
 

I just ate the crumble because Im really full.
 

But, yeah, so, both tasted good… Bacon-weave top, less good. Both smell good.
 

I would recommend the crumble, not the weave, unless you just want to eat apple-flavoured bacon weave off of a pie. Then go for the weave… and eat the pie later.
 

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Maybe if we used applewood smoked cheddar, errr.. bacon.
 

Oh my god this would be amazing with cheese melted on it.
 

Ewwww oh my god, where are you from?
 

What?! Haven’t you ever done this?!
 

What the fuck? No! I was at Adam’s parents' house and they were having pie and someone was like ‘I want some cheese’ and I thought it was a joke and it wasn’t a joke.
 

You just haven’t had it. Sharp cheddar, melted on top of this pie would be like…
 

You’ve never had cheese with apples?!
 

NO! What is the matter with you guys?!
 

We have things like taste.
 

From someone who would do any drug known to man…
 

but not with cheese.
 

I’ve done drugs and cheese together.
 

Well, consider apple another drug and do it with cheese.
 

No fuckin’ way.
 

Well, will the dog eat the bacon-wrapped chicken and the pie?
 

My guess is yes. Heineken looks way too fucking happy by the way.
 

Yeah, he knows what day it is.
 

And he doesn’t smell any accoutrements products. Wow.. I’m kinda drunk.
 

This is from the person who just power-drank a bottle of wine.
 

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