Bacon and Apple Pie

Bacon_Apple_Pie_07[sc:m content=”So I know that last time we talked about how I wasn’t going to make money by selling crack…”] [sc:ap content=”mmhmm…”] [sc:m content=”But I was thinking you guys are right, the crack market has been diluted, so I’m just going to start selling my pee instead, because I can pass a drug test, and I don’t take hormonal birth control so I can sell my pee to men and women.”] [sc:al content=”She makes a good point.”] [sc:m content=”The market for black market pee is very lucrative.”] [sc:al content=”The Japanese people like pee from what I understand.”] [sc:m content=”Well, way to alienate like a whole race of people.”] [sc:al content=”I enjoy that very much.”] [sc:m content=”Anyhoo, so if anybody wants to buy my piss… mel@captainbacon.com”] [sc:ap content=”Or 1-800-MEL-PISS.”] [sc:al content=”Melpee.com”] [sc:ap content=”I should see if we can register that…”] [sc:al content=”So last night I nicknamed Mel “TootyMcGee”. For some reason she doesn’t like that very much.”] [sc:m content=”I wonder why…”] [sc:ap content=”Anyways, on to the pie.”] [sc:al content=”And Mel just downed a glass of wine… and orange juice.”] [sc:m content=”Orange juice gives me the power to down anything.”] [sc:c content=”Yes, alright, on to dessert.”]Bacon_Apple_Pie_06
[sc:m content=”True lifehack, always poop at work. If you poop for 10 minutes a day at work, by the end of the day you will have gotten paid around 40 hours just to poop.”] [sc:ap content=”On the one side we have pie with a crumble-bacon topping, and on the other we have a bacon-weave topping.”] [sc:c content=”Bacon weave topping, bite number one… uh… it’s a pie.”] [sc:m content=”I’m going for the crumble first.”] [sc:c content=”The apple part of the pie is really good.”] [sc:m content=”Thanks.”] [sc:c content=”Great job, Mel.”] [sc:m content=”It’s made with Jack Daniels.”] [sc:m content=”The crumble tastes better. It’s because the bacon in it isn’t overwhelming.”] [sc:al content=”I expected so because when Allen was like “Are we going to do the bacon-weave topped one?” I thought that was a little much.”] [sc:c content=”That was a pretty mocking tone of voice… “are we doing the bacon topping, bunh!””] [sc:ap content=”“Look at me, I’m Adam, everything I do sucks””] [sc:c content=”“I’m so fat and I suck so much””] [sc:m content=”For the record, Adam isn’t fat, and he runs every day.”] [sc:c content=”Yeah, he’s the least fat person at the table except for maybe Mel.”]Bacon_Apple_Pie_05
[sc:ap content=”All of y’all shut the fuck up in the presence of my fatness, let us continue to eat bacon.”] [sc:al content=”I need to take a moment to appreciate the fact that Cheryl just grabbed her tits and started shaking them.”] [sc:c content=”To be fair, it was one tit.”] [sc:al content=”Alright, on to the bacon crumble thingy.”] [sc:c content=”Just for the record, Adam’s pie looks like somebody sat on it because he sucks.”] [sc:al content=”It’s true. I do.”] [sc:c content=”Dicks. He sucks dicks.”] [sc:ap content=”Like, penises? He goes after men and says “I would like to put your penis in my mouth”?”] [sc:al content=”Ok, back to Captain Bacon”] [sc:m content=”Don’t do drugs.”] [sc:al content=”I would not repeat the bacon-weave top. It’s just too much. I’m glad we tried it.”] [sc:ap content=”It is very pretty.”] [sc:c content=”It looked prettier of the two, it looked nicer.”] [sc:al content=”But, the crumble one is fucking delicious.”] [sc:c content=”I just ate the crumble because Im really full.”] [sc:ap content=”But, yeah, so, both tasted good… Bacon-weave top, less good. Both smell good.”] [sc:c content=”I would recommend the crumble, not the weave, unless you just want to eat apple-flavoured bacon weave off of a pie. Then go for the weave… and eat the pie later.”]Bacon_Apple_Pie_04 (1)
[sc:m content=”Maybe if we used applewood smoked cheddar, errr.. bacon.”] [sc:c content=”Oh my god this would be amazing with cheese melted on it.”] [sc:m content=”Ewwww oh my god, where are you from?”] [sc:c content=”What?! Haven’t you ever done this?!”] [sc:m content=”What the fuck? No! I was at Adam’s parents’ house and they were having pie and someone was like ‘I want some cheese’ and I thought it was a joke and it wasn’t a joke.”] [sc:c content=”You just haven’t had it. Sharp cheddar, melted on top of this pie would be like…”] [sc:ap content=”You’ve never had cheese with apples?!”] [sc:m content=”NO! What is the matter with you guys?!”] [sc:ap content=”We have things like taste.”] [sc:al content=”From someone who would do any drug known to man…”] [sc:ap content=”but not with cheese.”] [sc:m content=”I’ve done drugs and cheese together.”] [sc:ap content=”Well, consider apple another drug and do it with cheese.”] [sc:m content=”No fuckin’ way.”] [sc:al content=”Well, will the dog eat the bacon-wrapped chicken and the pie?”] [sc:m content=”My guess is yes. Heineken looks way too fucking happy by the way.”] [sc:al content=”Yeah, he knows what day it is.”] [sc:m content=”And he doesn’t smell any accoutrements products. Wow.. I’m kinda drunk.”] [sc:c content=”This is from the person who just power-drank a bottle of wine.”]Bacon_Apple_Pie_01

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